Love ?

It was the final straw, the thing that ended it for me. So many years I had told myself I would stick it out, wait for one more day. I guess I was always thinking it would somehow work itself out. Or I was hoping for a miracle cure, something that would magically change everything to make it better forever. In truth I just didn't want to deal with the reality of it all. The constant feeling of despair my heartfelt at the very thought. My mind always reeling with the context as it tried to justify what needed to be done by examining all that was good and bad from a to z. Unfortunately only the bad seems to appear before my mind’s eye and drowns out anything that was good. I wanted to remember and I tried hard to see it, to feel it, to believe it. I just couldn't for some reason, something kept blocking any attempts to revive any happiness. Maybe I’m just past that point now as my soul tries to comment, to shake me awake. There seems to be numbness between all three points of me, my mind, my heart and my soul. They all know what needs to be done as a simple survival method, perhaps what is in all of us inside when the time is right. My time I know is coming to a climax, all three points of me are ready to explode. I sometimes feel as if each one wants to beat the other to be free. I hold them back, just barely. Each moment is a test with them as each is clawing at the other. If they continue to fight they will escape, but I don't know if I’m truly ready for them to do that. I feel I need more time to evaluate, to reassemble my thoughts, to collect reason to my mental madness. But what is my reason both mental and physical? Is it affairs of my heart? Is it my sanity? Is it my health? I feel sorrow, I feel sick, I feel tormented. How is it such an imaginative wonder can be the heaviest thing on earth, or upon one's chest or mind? It is sometimes amazing how much it controls everything yet has no hold on anything. Or how much it can be cherished and then how terrible it can be discarded. How much it can be regarded and how much it can used to manipulate. One has to wonder is it the true evil disguised as the main purpose or goal. Designed to fail by giving hope for its trials. Meant to pleasure through pain in order to finalize the torture. Some sick, twisted, unrelenting form of a master game plan. Destined to repeat itself like a broken record, constantly scratching over and over at our souls. Oh why, why, why is it allowed to go on? What purpose does it serve? It's not a test, it's a cruel subjection encasing us all with its doom. If only I could end it in one flailing swoop of my hand. Be gone you unsanctioned darkness that covers me and those that would have need of you. Leave us to wither away without knowing the bliss of one simple second. Better to be lost than found by you. For your salvation can only end in the same result each and every time no matter which fool accepts you. Die now and leave me to my own.

 (By Roelin Davis 2/15/2012 all rights reserved)